Heartletter - Relationship & Wellness Newsletter
- Issued Twice Yearly -

Fall 2004 Heartletter
by Joyce and Barry Vissell

“Inner Peace Through Healing Core Issues ”

More and more in all of our workshops (whether they are for singles or couples), we are focusing on healing at the deepest levels, resolving the core issues which sabotage our own happiness, our relationships with others, and often our health. Real healing cannot be accomplished by psychological/emotional methods alone. Nor can it be done with spiritual practices which avoid the emotions. We love the expression: “We are both human beings having a spiritual experience and spiritual beings having a human experience.” Real inner peace, therefore, involves an integration of the human and the divine.

Ram Dass was one teacher who helped us with this process of integration. He lived in Santa Cruz (15 minutes away from us) for a few years in the late 1970's. We had the golden opportunity of working with him as a “spiritual psychotherapist” in that time period. It is very humbling to admit that the first time we went to see him we thought we were going to help him find his way. We wore white clothes, had long hair and beads, and we felt we knew what he needed. At the end of our time together, Ram Dass announced he had a gigantic headache from being with us, and then called us “phoney holy!” He told us we needed a lot of help and offered to see us ind ividually (that it was too hard for him to be with us as a couple).

Thus began a journey of several years into the depths of our souls. With Ram Dass' help, and the courage to face ourselves in totality, we confronted our “shadows,” those parts of ourselves we had been avoiding, the shame and fear which points the way to unresolved core issues.

What are these sometimes elusive “core issues” that can have so much power over us? Here are seven examples.

1. I Don't Deserve Love. Is it easier for you to give than to receive? Do you stop yourself too soon when you are doing something that really nurtures your inner being? These are signs of feeling unworthy, of not really knowing you deserve to be happy, to share love abundantly.

2. I'm Not Acceptable the Way I Am. Are you not at peace with a part of yourself, like your sensitivity, your physical appearance, or your vulnerability? Have these parts of you been rejected in the past by someone close to you, like a parent, sibling, teacher, or friend? These messages can be so deeply absorbed that, as an adult, we end up rejecting ourselves in the same way we felt rejected by others.

3. I Don't Belong Here. Are you forever longing for a real home? Do you feel that you don't fit in your family or community? If so, you were perhaps not sufficiently welcomed into this world as a baby or child.

4. I'm Afraid You'll Hurt Me. If you have been abused or molested physically, sexually, or emotionally, you will have a harder time feeling safe in relationships, and even a small perceived threat (like a raised voice) may trigger a “fight or flight” response.

5. I'm Afraid You'll Leave. The fear of abandonment doesn't only come from obvious causes like the death of a parent or a significant caregiver leaving. We have seen serious wounds caused by parents leaving a small child in an unsafe environment.

6. I'm Responsible. When someone you love gets upset, do you automatically feel it's somehow your fault? This may have resulted from being blamed by a primary caregiver for his or her own issues.

7. I Have No Voice. Do you have difficulty expressing your thoughts or feelings, or saying “no” when something doesn't feel right? There is an old saying, “Children are best seen but not heard.” Unfortunately, we see many people who carry the pain of not being heard as children.

Our 4-Step Healing Process

Once you have admitted to your own core issues, you can then proceed to work with them in the most effective way. Doing this healing work by yourself can be very powerful. A good therapist can often accelerate this process.

1. First, give yourself enough time and real quiet (minimum 20 minutes) for your healing session. Allow a few minutes to calm your mind by deep brea thing or any method you prefer.

2. Now reflect upon an identified issue or challenge. If you don't relate to any of the seven sample core issues, it doesn't matter. Start with any challenge you are currently experiencing in your life or relationship. Most importantly, what are your feelings? Try to stay out of your mind as much as possible. Are you angry, afraid, sad, lonely, or any combination of these? Perhaps 90% of the process is feeling the feelings. If you are having trouble accessing your feelings, it can be helpful to visualize the challenging events or memories from the past. Experience any amount of feeling, however slight.

3. Now bring an “ally” to help you. This can be any loving and powerful being you know or can imagine. With this being near you for protection, del iberately walk into the painful situation and feelings. Perhaps you can hear or imagine what this being is saying to you and to those who are involved with you. Most importantly, feel yourself relax and know this being will not fail you. If you can't relax the first time you do this work, don't give up. This is very deep work, and deserves persistence. Lao Tsu says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.”

4. Eventually you will hear and feel the messages of essential healing – messages that will bring deep peace and happiness such as: you deserve the most abundant love, everything about you is acceptable, nothing you have ever done can take away your lovability, you are welcome and celebrated in this world, you don't ever deserve to be hurt, a child is never responsible for a parent's pain or abusive actions, what you have to say is not only important, but needed, and your loving real Self will never abandon your child self.